the game

Happy Valentine’s Day to all!!!

I'm Single Photo

For the record, I am not bitter about being single during Valentine’s Day – I completely love this made-up, money-making, silly Hallmark holiday, because for me, it’s hard not to love a day filled with pink, sparkly things and lots and lots of hearts and flowers.

However.

After the previous, slightly more intense post, I thought it might be an entertaining Valentine’s treat for you all to read about all the fun catch phrases that 2016 singles hear from 2016 non-singles (with some colorful commentary on how those singles might like to respond, but just smile and nod instead). These are all very real things that have actually been said to me, or to other singles I know, and I couldn’t think of a better time to write about them than on this weekend full of love and hand-holding and hearts and wine and kisses and flowers and candy and hugs and social media posts about how much y’all truly love your best friends, bla bla bla drink.

Non-Singles: “Don’t worry about that last one – there’s plenty of fish in the sea!”

Singles: Yeah, umm…

Non-Singles: “You should try smiling more!”

Singles: What?!?!!!! People like it when you smile?!?!!! OMG WHY HAVE I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT THAT IF I JUST SMILED AT THE BAR/WITH FRIENDS/AT WORK/IN MY ONLINE-DATING-PROFILE-PICTURES MAYBE SOMEONE WOULD LIKE ME BUT UGHHHH NOOOOO I HATE SMILING AND BEING PLEASANT AND HAVING FUN AND WHEN I MEET NEW PEOPLE IT’S LIKE A PERSONAL RULE THAT I DON’T SMILE FOR AT LEAST THE FIRST THREE HOURS BECAUSE IT’S SO IMPORTANT TO JUST BE YOURSELF AND FOR PEOPLE TO TRULY LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM ON THE INSIDE WHICH YOU CLEARLY THINK IS MISERABLE AND SO SMILING WOULD JUST GIVE OFF THE WRONG IMPRESSION I MEAN I’VE GOTTA JUST DO ME! Revolutionary advice. Said no one…..ever.

Non-Singles: “You’ll meet someone once you start doing the things you love!”

Singles: Thank you for insulting my current job/career/hobbies/home/free time activities/friends/philanthropies/family/pets that make up this little thing that I call “my life”. You are super right – all of those things suck. What I actually love is to sit at home in my sweats watching Netflix and old Friends reruns, drinking beer, eating Kraft mac’n’cheese and pouring SmartFood white cheddar popcorn straight into my mouth from the bag, so there is no doubt that those are the things that are going to help me find my partner. Amen sister! Oh, and can you make yourself useful and pass me the Doritos bag?

Non-Singles: “We’ve got to get you a man/woman!”

Singles: The government has already punished me by not giving me a tax break for being single, and my married friends still force me into some sort of humiliating bouquet/garter toss at their weddings. Please do not also punish me through this cup of coffee by telling me what I need. If dating someone is something I want, guaranteed I’ll already be working on it. If not dating someone is something I want, I won’t be working on it. And that should be totally okay, either way.

Non-Singles: “You’ve just got to play the game.”

Singles: It’s suuuuuuper cute that you like to look back on your current relationship and think you “played the game”, because I remember the major-excitedness, instant obsession, and double-texting that came with the start of that relationship my friend. And the true beauty of this lie is that not only were you just yourself, but so was your partner, and guess what? You loved each other for it! So why anyone would ever want to brag about “playing the game” well is beyond me. You should want to be yourself, and be proud of that. If “playing the game” means I have to actually waste hundreds of minutes waiting to respond to text messages, pretending to be cooler than I actually am, or faking that I’m only so-so interested…then holy cannoli, that person isn’t going to be the one for me.

Non-Singles: “Why do you have to be dating somebody?”

Singles: I don’t have to be dating somebody. Am I surviving on my own? Of course I am! But if I’m trying to date somebody, that means I would like to be. Why isn’t that okay? You’ve been in a relationship for a certain number of weeks/months/years – do I ask you why YOU have to be dating somebody? Nope!

Iphone Sync Oct-Nov 2015 003

Non-Singles: “So…have you ever thought about what you’re going to do about having kids?”

Singles: Yes people. This is a real question we get asked – all.the.time. WHY – WHY do you ask us this? Because of our age? What would you like us to do about this? March on down to the sperm bank? Tell you we’re considering adoption/fostering? Would we then get asked (judgmentally) about deciding to do that as a single parent? If there is anything I’ve learned as I’ve come into adulthood, it’s that fertility is a very real and extremely common issue in so many people’s lives. I don’t think I know anyone who doesn’t have someone in their life who hasn’t been effected by this issue. Do you honestly think your single (most likely female, as clearly this is the group that this question is directed towards) friend hasn’t already thought about this possibility, including their age and current single life as a factor? Then you should probably stop.talking. If it’s something we’re worried about, and we want to chat about it – we’ll bring it up, and we’ll let you know! Until then, I’m sorry – just, no. No.

Non-Singles: “How old are you? Oh….you’ve got time. Oh…no you don’t”.

Singles: Again, I assume this has to do mostly with women, fertility and child-rearing. See above.

Non-Singles: “Have you tried online dating?!”

Singles: “OH MY GOSH YOU ARE SO SMART THIS IS A BRILLIANT IDEA!!!!!” also said no one ever. I honestly do not know a single single-person who has not tried online dating. This is probably because, ya know, we’re living in a time where all of our daily processes now happen through the internet (communication, paying bills, music, shopping, education, current events, collaboration, health care, reading smart and witty blogs). So yes – we have tried it/are trying it/taking a break from it. It’s fun, and a lot of work, and exciting, and exhausting. We’ll keep you updated!

Non-Singles: “I have a friend/sibling/child/cousin/neighbor/dog’s godmother who was on match/jdate/tinder/plentyoffish/eharmony/happen/christianmingle/okcupid/bumble and they met the man/woman of their dreams!!! You should try that!!! It’s SOOOOO different than all those other apps/sites!!!”

Singles: Actually – no, it’s not different at all. Those success stories make us happy!! We are so glad for your friend/sibling/child/cousin/neighbor/dog’s godmother! That’s why we’ve signed up for these things in the first place! They’ve all jumped off the bridge, so we are too (because when we were little our parents told us it was cool to jump off bridges when our friends were doing it) – but don’t tell us that any of the people on these sites are different from any of the people on the other sites, and that’s what makes them “better” or “more successful” – especially if you have never had to go through this online dating experience yourself. I know this because I myself have been on multiples of these sites, and I was the same “me”, with the same intentions on each site. It’s up to us to decide if the person we meet has the same motivation for being on the app/site as us, and we go from there, but I believe the chances of us meeting the person we’re looking for (whatever that may mean) are the same across all of these platforms. It’s all about finding the platform that works best for you at the time – and most likely, the single person you’re talking to has already done the “research” and is using or not using the sites that have the right process for them.

Non-Singles: “You’re sounding so negative about all of this. Maybe you’re not trying hard enough!”

Singles: Fuck. Off. (Sorry, there’s no polite equivalent.)

And my ALL-TIME, ABSOLUTE FAVORITE…..

Non-Singles: “I promise, you’ll meet them when you’re not looking!!!!”

Singles:

Alllllrightyyyyy then – how ’bout now?

This is why I’m (supposed to be a fisherman, a dentist, a dream-follower, a damsel in distress, a strategist, an independent woman, a mom, a racer, an internet expert, a motivator, a blind spinster, and) single.

Urban Dictionary’s definition for “Textpectation”

Wow, did our parents have it easy. I mean, seriously, they were using carrying pigeons to ask each other on dates. Well okay, maybe not magical messenger birds, but something called the post office and some sort of land-line device used for talking with a big long cord. Not too much of a game there, someone either called or they didn’t, and if they did, you answered, set some details, and that was that. But now…

TEXTING.

This process has become all-consuming and the bane of existence for single life. When to respond, how to respond, and the all-important debate, emoji or no emoji; there is simply too much to consider, not to mention the friends we have to consult in the process (at least for a woman). “Oh my gosh, he asked ‘how is your day going?’ what do I say what do I say?!?” But the very worst part of texting?

THE WAIT.

Now, here’s where you can really mess it up. Even the most relaxed and levelheaded of personalities can really lose their s**t while waiting for a response (which most likely just says “cool”). I truly admire those who are able to manage these feelings of chaos internally, with no outward expressions of alarm. Seriously, major props to you guys – patience is the way to go, and you’re always rewarded because of it. You either eventually get that response you were waiting for (“cool”), or you get nothing, and have managed to escape the situation with some shred of dignity.

I try to wait. I really do. On occasion I even do it successfully, and then jump around like this for a few seconds:

He said, “cool”!!!!!!!!!!!

But sadly, I have occasions where I just can’t bear those textpectations any longer. And that’s when it happens…

THE DOUBLE TEXT.

No one, and I mean NO ONE, wins with the double text. The instant it says “delivered”, regret seeps into your heart and you feel like you’re going to barf. You know you can’t take it back, and you pray to God that the person on the other end receives it with grace, and not with repulsion. You certainly aren’t going to win “the game” looking like an eager beaver, because after all, that’s what texting is all about. What? It’s a convenient, simple communication tool you say? That’s hilarious!

And now, for your reading pleasure, a very, very unfortunate true story of my inner dialogue on one of these such occasions:

Thursday, 4:35 pm: Alright, so it’s 4:35, perfect timing, work will be winding down and he’ll be thinking about his evening plans.

Thursday, 4:37 pm: It’s totally fine to text him first, right? Girl power, woo hoo! Who doesn’t like a strong, confident woman? He’s going to be excited to hear from me, because I’m awesome!

Thursday, 4:39 pm: Ehhhhh. I don’t know. What if he’s one of those guys who thinks girls who texts first are too forward. The chase, and all that, yada yada. Okay, it’s decided. Not texting him. I’ll wait to see if he invites me out.

Thursday, 4:52 pm: Buttttttt….what if he actually has no plans, and is just waiting to see if I’LL take the first step? Okay yes, going to text.

Thursday, 4:54 pm: “Hey! Any plans tonight? Thought it might be fun to grab a drink!”

Thursday, 4:55 pm: Yes! That was the perfect text! Casual and cool! How can he resist? Hanging out with me PLUS cocktails? Definitely a good night!

Thursday, 4:59 pm: Oh boy. Ohhhhh dear. He still hasn’t said anything. He must have read it. There’s no way he hasn’t read it. I mean, it’s the end of his day, he’s got to have his phone on him.

Thursday, 5:06 pm: Maybe he’s in a meeting. Yeah, that’s it. His meeting ran late. You can’t very well look at your phone during a meeting, that would be so irresponsible! He’s not irresponsible, he’s professional. I know he’s professional because he was wearing that nice pocket square when I met him at the bar.

Thursday, 5:17 pm: He doesn’t like me, I knew it. He probably gave me his number at the bar just so he could move on to the cute girl standing behind me. Ugh. This sucks. I’m re-downloading Tinder.

Thursday, 7:36 pm: Yeah, look at all these matches! They all have pictures with tigers or ab-mirror selfies, but that’s okay. It means they’re worldly and they take care of their bodies.

Thursday, 8:11 pm: Wow, still can’t believe he hasn’t texted back. I mean seriously…nothing??? How hard is it to take 15 seconds to respond and say, “sorry, not tonight” or whatever! There’s totally no excuse. Whatever, never actually wanted to go out with him anyways. We had a good time at that bar, but that pocket square was ugly.

Thursday, 8:29 pm: There’s no way he doesn’t want to get a drink with me, there’s just no way! He bought me a tequila shot and everything! Poor guy, he must be swamped at work. I’m just going to send him one more quick little text, just to show him how supportive I can be. I mean, working late on a Thursday, it’s almost the weekend! How cruel!

Thursday, 8:30 pm: “Poor you, working late? That’s no fun! My friends and I are about to grab drinks at this new bar we have a voucher for. They make their cocktails in old soup cans!”

Thursday, 8:32 pm: OH GOD. OH.MY.GOD. NOOOOOOO!!!! I double-texted him!!! I can’t believe I just did that! Now he’s going to think I’m nuts! He doesn’t have time for this, he’s busy at work! Now he’s going to think I’m super un-cool, and he’s got all the texting power!

Thursday, 8:45 pm: You know what? Maybe it’s not that bad! Yeah! He probably hasn’t even seen the second one yet! When he’s free, he’ll read them and think “Dang it, bummer I had to work late, she’s awesome and I really would have loved to get a drink with her!” and then he’ll set a date for a different day!

Thursday, 10:49 pm: Maybe I can find him on Facebook…

Thursday, 11:20 pm: Ughh, whatever. He’s not going to text back. Tinder isn’t so bad right? Ooo, an elephant selfie!

Friday, 8:07 am: Response from him: “Hey. Soup cans, cool.”

Yup.

This is why I’m single.