Happy Valentine’s Day to all!!!

For the record, I am not bitter about being single during Valentine’s Day – I completely love this made-up, money-making, silly Hallmark holiday, because for me, it’s hard not to love a day filled with pink, sparkly things and lots and lots of hearts and flowers.

However.

After the previous, slightly more intense post, I thought it might be an entertaining Valentine’s treat for you all to read about all the fun catch phrases that 2016 singles hear from 2016 non-singles (with some colorful commentary on how those singles might like to respond, but just smile and nod instead).  These are all very real things that have actually been said to me, or to other singles I know, and I couldn’t think of a better time to write about them than on this weekend full of love and hand-holding and hearts and wine and kisses and flowers and candy and hugs and social media posts about how much y’all truly love your best friends, bla bla bla drink.

Non-Singles:  “Don’t worry about that last one – there’s plenty of fish in the sea!”

Singles:  Yeah, umm…

 

Non-Singles:  “You should try smiling more!”

Singles:  What?!?!!!!  People like it when you smile?!?!!!  OMG WHY HAVE I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT THAT IF I JUST SMILED AT THE BAR/WITH FRIENDS/AT WORK/IN MY ONLINE-DATING-PROFILE-PICTURES MAYBE SOMEONE WOULD LIKE ME BUT UGHHHH NOOOOO I HATE SMILING AND BEING PLEASANT AND HAVING FUN AND WHEN I MEET NEW PEOPLE IT’S LIKE A PERSONAL RULE THAT I DON’T SMILE FOR AT LEAST THE FIRST THREE HOURS BECAUSE IT’S SO IMPORTANT TO JUST BE YOURSELF AND FOR PEOPLE TO TRULY LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM ON THE INSIDE WHICH YOU CLEARLY THINK IS MISERABLE AND SO SMILING WOULD JUST GIVE OFF THE WRONG IMPRESSION I MEAN I’VE GOTTA JUST DO ME!  Revolutionary advice.  Said no one…..ever.

Non-Singles:  “You’ll meet someone once you start doing the things you love!”

Singles:  Thank you for insulting my current job/career/hobbies/home/free time activities/friends/philanthropies/family/pets that make up this little thing that I call “my life”.  You are super right – all of those things suck.  What I actually love is to sit at home in my sweats watching Netflix and old Friends reruns, drinking beer, eating Kraft mac’n’cheese and pouring SmartFood white cheddar popcorn straight into my mouth from the bag, so there is no doubt that those are the things that are going to help me find my partner.  Amen sister!  Oh, and can you make yourself useful and pass me the Doritos bag?

Non-Singles:  “We’ve got to get you a man/woman!”

Singles:  The government has already punished me by not giving me a tax break for being single, and my married friends still force me into some sort of humiliating bouquet/garter toss at their weddings.  Please do not also punish me through this cup of coffee by telling me what I need.  If dating someone is something I want, guaranteed I’ll already be working on it.  If not dating someone is something I want, I won’t be working on it.  And that should be totally okay, either way.

Non-Singles:  “You’ve just got to play the game.”

Singles:  It’s suuuuuuper cute that you like to look back on your current relationship and think you “played the game”, because I remember the major-excitedness, instant obsession, and double-texting that came with the start of that relationship my friend.  And the true beauty of this lie is that not only were you just yourself, but so was your partner, and guess what?  You loved each other for it!  So why anyone would ever want to brag about “playing the game” well is beyond me.  You should want to be yourself, and be proud of that.  If “playing the game” means I have to actually waste hundreds of minutes waiting to respond to text messages, pretending to be cooler than I actually am, or faking that I’m only so-so interested…then holy cannoli, that person isn’t going to be the one for me.

Non-Singles:  “Why do you have to be dating somebody?”

Singles:  I don’t have to be dating somebody.  Am I surviving on my own?  Of course I am!  But if I’m trying to date somebody, that means I would like to be.  Why isn’t that okay?  You’ve been in a relationship for a certain number of weeks/months/years – do I ask you why YOU have to be dating somebody?  Nope!

 

Non-Singles:  “So…have you ever thought about what you’re going to do about having kids?”

Singles:  Yes people.  This is a real question we get asked – all.the.time.  WHY – WHY do you ask us this?  Because of our age?  What would you like us to do about this?  March on down to the sperm bank?  Tell you we’re considering adoption/fostering?  Would we then get asked (judgmentally) about deciding to do that as a single parent?  If there is anything I’ve learned as I’ve come into adulthood, it’s that fertility is a very real and extremely common issue in so many people’s lives.  I don’t think I know anyone who doesn’t have someone in their life who hasn’t been effected by this issue.  Do you honestly think your single (most likely female, as clearly this is the group that this question is directed towards) friend hasn’t already thought about this possibility, including their age and current single life as a factor?  Then you should probably stop.talking.  If it’s something we’re worried about, and we want to chat about it – we’ll bring it up, and we’ll let you know!  Until then, I’m sorry – just, no.  No.

Non-Singles:  “How old are you?  Oh….you’ve got time.  Oh…no you don’t”.

Singles:  Again, I assume this has to do mostly with women, fertility and child-rearing.  See above.

Non-Singles:  “Have you tried online dating?!”

Singles:  “OH MY GOSH YOU ARE SO SMART THIS IS A BRILLIANT IDEA!!!!!” also said no one ever.  I honestly do not know a single single-person who has not tried online dating.  This is probably because, ya know, we’re living in a time where all of our daily processes now happen through the internet (communication, paying bills, music, shopping, education, current events, collaboration, health care, reading smart and witty blogs).  So yes – we have tried it/are trying it/taking a break from it.  It’s fun, and a lot of work, and exciting, and exhausting.  We’ll keep you updated!

Non-Singles:  “I have a friend/sibling/child/cousin/neighbor/dog’s godmother who was on match/jdate/tinder/plentyoffish/eharmony/happen/christianmingle/okcupid/bumble and they met the man/woman of their dreams!!! You should try that!!!  It’s SOOOOO different than all those other apps/sites!!!”

Singles:  Actually – no, it’s not different at all.  Those success stories make us happy!!  We are so glad for your friend/sibling/child/cousin/neighbor/dog’s godmother!  That’s why we’ve signed up for these things in the first place!  They’ve all jumped off the bridge, so we are too (because when we were little our parents told us it was cool to jump off bridges when our friends were doing it) – but don’t tell us that any of the people on these sites are different from any of the people on the other sites, and that’s what makes them “better” or “more successful” – especially if you have never had to go through this online dating experience yourself.  I know this because I myself have been on multiples of these sites, and I was the same “me”, with the same intentions on each site.  It’s up to us to decide if the person we meet has the same motivation for being on the app/site as us, and we go from there, but I believe the chances of us meeting the person we’re looking for (whatever that may mean) are the same across all of these platforms.  It’s all about finding the platform that works best for you at the time – and most likely, the single person you’re talking to has already done the “research” and is using or not using the sites that have the right process for them.

Non-Singles:  “You’re sounding so negative about all of this.  Maybe you’re not trying hard enough!”

Singles:  Fuck.  Off.  (Sorry, there’s no polite equivalent.)

And my ALL-TIME, ABSOLUTE FAVORITE….. 

Non-Singles:  “I promise, you’ll meet them when you’re not looking!!!!”

Singles:  

Alllllrightyyyyy then – how ’bout now?

This is why I’m (supposed to be a fisherman, a dentist, a dream-follower, a damsel in distress, a strategist, an independent woman, a mom, a racer, an internet expert, a motivator, a blind spinster, and) single.