As I spent the entire night and day laying on my bathroom floor being violently ill from food poisoning, all I could think was “I wish I was home”.

It’s hard to imagine not wanting to be at home when not only does your physical body hurt, but your emotional side too.  Why does “you can’t help who you love” have to be true?  We have developed so much as human beings – why can’t we simply “will” feelings away?  It would certainly make life feel easier sometimes.  No anger, no sadness, no loss from unrequited feelings.  It seems so strange that your brain can’t say to your heart, “Heart.  This person doesn’t feel the same way about you.  It’s time to go!” and then your heart can’t say, “Brain, you are so right! Moving on!”.

When that moment finally comes, where you finally reach a place where you have to decide: do I stay, or do I go? it can feel like your heart is being ripped from your chest.  It’s that awful moment where you realize, it’s going to hurt either way, and you know there is nothing you can do about it.  If I was a runner (ha, that’s hilarious) I imagine it might feel a little like starting a marathon, where you know that it gets harder with each step, until it’s finally over.

I’ve never been on the other side of that situation, and I can’t help but wonder how it feels for them.  Do they feel happy you’ve finally walked away?  Maybe relieved?

But the one good thing I know that can be taken away from feelings of heartbreak, is that that also means there’s a chance for you to feel the happy things too.  In unrequited feelings, that emotion might feel like a weakness at the time.  But all you can do is believe “this too shall pass”, and that maybe you will eventually find someone who returns what’s in your heart.

Compared to heartache, food poisoning is nothing.  But at least I can know that I was open to someone, and that I tried my best.  And the thought of not living my life that way, of not giving everything I had into my friendships and relationships, of the things I would miss out on because of fear?  Really is too much to bare.

So, for now:

This is why I’m (still) single (and whole-hearted).